Baby Steps

I actually feel good about this one!!

A Little Pick Me Up

I was talking to someone the other day about my weight, and how insecure I am about my body. Going from a size 10 to a size 16 has taken a toll on not just my physical health by my psyche as well. Anyway, their response to me was, "So what are you going to do about it?" I could not do anything but give them a "don't judge me" smirk. However, they were right. What am I going to do about it? So far, it seems like nothing but talk about it. I mean hello look at this blog. This blog demonstrates my lack of dedication. I am not ashamed to admit it – I lack dedication.

Some days I am all in, and push myself well beyond my limits. Other days, I am like forget about it. Fortunately having my niece in the house with me this summer has helped a lot. She has shown a tremendous amount of dedication, and unknowingly gives me that extra ump on my “forget about it” days. But, I know that I have to get to a place where I can do it on my own.

On the brighter side, let me tell you this… Tonight was the first time I jogged in a very long time. Granted I did not go far, but it felt so good. I never in my life said jogging felt good. There was something about tonight that felt so liberating. I do not know if it was the cool breeze, Kevin Gates blasting in my ear, or if it was just a release of built up tension. Whatever it was I must have more.

Singing…"I was tryna get it how I live. I want them dead presidents. I wanna pull up, head spent. Get it, get fly. I got six jobs, I don’t get tired." - Kevin Gates

I Will Not Be Defeated (at least not by a Fitbit)

Oh my goodness, talk about pushing through the pain. Yesterday I volunteered at a thrift store for four hours. I was standing up sorting clothes for four long hours (okay maybe not all four, but still). By the time I got home, my foot was so swollen and in so much pain. There was absolutely no way I was going to be able to reach my step goal. So, I crawled into the bed and called it night.

This morning my foot was still swollen from last night, so much so that I was not able to wear close-toe shoes. The shoes that I did wear did not help the situation at all. When I got home from work, I looked at my Fitbit and saw that I was nowhere near my step goal. In my mind, I debated if I was going to attempt to reach at least half of my goal. Then I was like, “You know what, let’s just do this.” I changed my clothes, went outside, and started walking.

I made it to the elementary school, and decided to walk around the track. Unfortunately, it rained pretty hard earlier today, so that the track was muddy. But I walked about five times around, and then decided to walk to my sister’s house. By this time, my foot was killing me. I sat at my sister’s house and debated if I was going to push through the pain or call it quits. After resting for about twenty minutes, I decided to walk back home. As I walked into my garage, I looked at my Fitbit again – 70% complete. I wanted to cry, because I was in pain and I was starting to feel defeated. However, I refuse to lose to a Fitbit. I put my earbuds back in my ears, got up and started walking. Goal completed!

Music - My Motivation

I went for a walk last night. While I was walking, I was listening to Pandora. Well, I should not say I was listening, rather the music was in my ears distracting me from the pain in my foot (that is another story). Several songs played, but I have no idea what all of them were. Then a song came on that caught my attention right in the middle of it. I have heard the song several times on the radio, but I never paid attention to the lyrics until last night. For some reason the lyrics gave me a little bit of motivation; even though they had nothing to do with my journey to a healthier me, the lyrics just did something for me.

Only meaning one thing, don't get tired, I go hard
Don't play with the hustle, you eat or you starve
Don't mimic pretenders, just be who you are
Ain't never change, been like this from the start

Get it, get fly, I got six jobs, I don't get tired?

- Kevin Gates

The song is about him getting on his grind so that he can make money and have a better life. Granted I am not doing this so that I can make money; however, I am on this journey to have a better life. As I was walking last night, and wanting to stop because my foot was really hurting, this song actually pushed me to keep going. Like if I really want this (to get healthy), then I need to get on my grind. I need to push through the pain and go get.

Just as "I Don't Get Tired" went off, Wale's "Contemplate" started to play. Now I am a HUGE fan of Wale. Any time his music comes on I am all ears (just thought I would share that piece of useless information). Anyway. "Contemplate" is a very melancholy song. Because my mind was in a different place, the lyrics meant something different to me.

Who am I living for, is this my limit
Can I endure some more
Chances are giving
Questions existing

- Wale ft Rihanna

In previous posts, I mentioned that I felt as though I had to start this journey for my kids. When I started this blog, my kids were my motivation. But just like any other addict, I have not been nor will I ever be successful with my sobriety if I am not doing this for me. I have to want it for myself. I have to do this for me.

Here We Go Again

It has been a while since my last post; almost four years to be exact, but here I am. Here I am starting over, and my starting line is miles back from where I previously started. Nevertheless, I have to start somewhere right.

What does this mean, “starting over”? Heck if I know! I know I lack discipline. I do not exercise as often as I should. I am an emotional eater, which means my mood determines the quantity and quality of the foods I eat. I am just all over the place when it comes to my health. If I am starting over, where do I start? Which area do I tackle first, all at the same time? In theory that sounds good, but my reality says differently. Oh I know, change my reality. Hmmm okay.

Here is an idea. As I said in an earlier post, I focus more on my work than I do on my health. Maybe I should treat my health as if it is a job. I make time for my job (intentional or not). I work over-time to make sure I get the job done, which means waking up early or going to bed late. I even sacrifice weekends and holidays for my work. I know there is a result – my paycheck; however, that is not why I am this way about my work. I am this way because I like to produce quality work, and because my name is attached to my work. Therefore, I am going to treat my health like my job, because my life is attached to my health.

So, what does starting over mean, and where do I start? I start by punching the clock! Yeah, it is time to go to work.