Clean and Clear

This weekend turned out to be a really great weekend. No stress and no worries, just a weekend of relaxation. I made a promise to myself that I would check out of Hotel Misery and look for a permanent resident in the Serenity subdivision. The best way I have found to check out is to do a serious cleaning/purging in my home. I am a firm believer that if your house is in chaos, then your life is in chaos.

While doing some much needed cleaning, I realized that my problems are like stains in a carpet. You can sweep, vacuum, spot clean, and steam clean but the stains keep resurfacing. Moving the furniture around will cover up some stains, but it will also reveal some old stains that you tried to cover up before. At some point you just have to pull that old carpet up and replace it with new flooring.

It is amazing how much clarity you have after cleaning house. I would give details, but yeah that is not going to happen…

Emotion Sickness

I was taken down for the count; the emotions and stress had finally taken its toll. Luckily it was only a cold, maybe sinuses, or maybe allergies. Who knows what it was. I know I felt like a Mac 10 had run me over.  How long can I continue to go like this? Not much further. I have to unravel this ball of emotions, even if it is just one layer at a time. It is time I get my house in order (figuratively speaking of course).

I am finally at the point where I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is time I stop feeling like I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, because I really do not. Why do I have to spare others’ feelings, when they do not spare mine? Why do I have to look out for others, when they do not look out for me? Why? Why? Why? Why do I not allow myself to say no to those who do not have my best interest at heart? I have allowed all of this to happen to me. I have found comfort in this misery that is why.

Time out for the B.S. Actually it is not even time out, it is game over! Blow the whistle, because the fat lady is singing her ace off.

Hmmm

I’m at a loss for words. I have nothing to talk about, yet I have so much on my mind. A ball of mixed emotions is what I am. There is that word again – emotions. I thought blogging would be therapeutic for me; maybe help someone that is going through the same thing I am going through. It doesn’t seem to be going that direction, or maybe this is the process and I just do not understand it.

One day I will wake up and the light bulb will go off.

My Rock and My Redeemer

"In you, LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, LORD, my faithful God."

- Psalms 31.1-5

Contemplation

While writing my post yesterday, the idea of addiction came up and I have been thinking about it ever since. Am I really addicted to food? Is that why it so hard for me to get it together?

Eating to me has always felt like a chore. I never know what I want to eat, then I have to either cook it or go get it, and then I would have to actually eat it. Way too much work! However when I am stressed, or sad, or bored I have no problem with going to find and/or get me something to eat. So what does this mean? Is emotional eating synonymous with having a food addiction?

I was speaking with a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor (LCDC) today, and he was explaining some things to me about addiction. Of course with every fact he gave me I had a reason as to why it didn’t apply to me. After going around and around for about five minutes, I started paying attention to what I was saying. Then he hit me with the Motivational Interviewing (MI). Now I don’t sit in on the MI trainings, and he’s been doing this a whole lot longer than I have, so of course I could be wrong. But from what I have looked up, a person in contemplation is aware a problem exists and seriously considers, action, but has not yet made a commitment to an action. That is so me! I have identified the issue, and I am not in denial.

I really need to get to the bottom of this. Moving forward on the right path will be virtually impossible if I can't get to the bottom of this. Identifying the issue is not good enough; I have to do something about it. Scheduling a daily meeting with Mr. LCDC, for some additional MI, sounds like a plan to me.

Also, the Mayo Clinic posted some great tips on how to stop emotional eating. Check it out…Weight-loss help: Gain control of emotional eating

Tame your stress. If stress contributes to your emotional eating, try a stress management technique, such as yoga, meditation or relaxation.

Have a hunger reality check. Is your hunger physical or emotional? If you ate just a few hours ago and don't have a rumbling stomach, you're probably not really hungry. Give the craving a little time to pass.

Keep a food diary. Write down what you eat, how much you eat, when you eat, how you're feeling when you eat and how hungry you are. Over time, you may see patterns emerge that reveal the connection between mood and food.

Get support. You're more likely to give in to emotional eating if you lack a good support network. Lean on family and friends or consider joining a support group.

Fight boredom. Instead of snacking when you're not truly hungry, distract yourself. Take a walk, watch a movie, play with your cat, listen to music, read, surf the Internet or call a friend.

Take away temptation. Don't keep supplies of comfort foods in your home if they're hard for you to resist. And if you feel angry or blue, postpone your trip to the grocery store until you're sure that you have your emotions in check.

Don't deprive yourself. When you're trying to achieve a weight-loss goal, you may limit your calories too much, eat the same foods frequently and banish the treats you enjoy. This may just serve to increase your food cravings, especially in response to emotions. Let yourself enjoy an occasional treat and get plenty of variety to help curb cravings.

Snack healthy. If you feel the urge to eat between meals, choose a low-fat, low-calorie snack, such as fresh fruit, vegetables with fat-free dip, or unbuttered popcorn. Or try low-fat, lower calorie versions of your favorite foods to see if they satisfy your craving.

Get enough sleep. If you're constantly tired, you might snack to try to give yourself an energy boost. Take a nap or go to bed earlier instead.

Seek therapy. If you've tried self-help options but you still can't get control of your emotional eating, consider therapy with a professional mental health provider. Therapy can help you understand the motivations behind your emotional eating and help you learn new coping skills. Therapy can also help you discover whether you may have an eating disorder, which is sometimes connected to emotional eating.

Moment of Weakness

Last week was a very stressful week, so to end it all I turned to food. I could not find comfort in words, so I found it in food. Church’s chicken on Friday, BBQ buffet on Saturday, and oh lawd don’t remind me about Sunday. Sunday was the icing on the cake, literally the icing and the cake. I have never done drugs before, but I can only imagine how it feels to get that one quick fix. The first taste of that fried food was like popping a muscle relaxer; everything went limp. From there it all went downhill; I binged the entire weekend.

Now that I am typing this, I am more ashamed seeing it in black and white than I was just thinking about it. I feel like those people on A&E who checks into rehab, and then leaves not even 30 days later. Even though I don’t think I am addicted to food. I think I am just an emotional eater, which I am sure is equally bad. Or maybe I am just in denial, maybe not. Who knows?! I told you I lack discipline.

WTH why can’t I get it together?! Why can’t I just start it and finish it. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but gosh dawg this is ridiculous. I know it took me years to get like this, and I can’t fix it overnight. But come on. That life coach is sounding really good right. Actually I don’t need a life coach; I need Ms. Shores!

Ms. Shores help me!!!

The Stresses of Life

I have really been focusing on eating healthy and practicing moderation, thinking that will get to my destination. Well another light has gone off this week, while I was sitting in the waiting room in urgent care. I have way too much stress in my life! I can eat crackers, tofu, and berries for the rest of my life, but if I do not do something about this stress it will all be in vain.

Okay so I decided to wait until I was married with two children to really focus on going back to school (STRESS). I have a deep passion for computers and information (STRESS). The jobs I find always seem to be located in the twilight zone (STRESS x 10). Oh and I forgot to mention, one of those children has just become a teenager (STRESS + STRESS). So something has gotta give. I really can’t continue like this.

I think I need a life coach, to exercise more, and most importantly to move from out of the twilight zone. I am a rubber band that is about to snap. That was a bad analogy, because I’m not about to go postal or anything. However my body can only take so much before it clunks out on me.

Oh Calgon take me away…

Mind Over Matter

Here we are a week into this journey, and I have cut out all sweets, fried foods, and dairy products. Now I am craving everything under the sun.  Kashi Heart to Heart has become my substitute for cookies and ice cream; how sad is that?

We were at the mall yesterday, and the kids wanted cookies from American Cookie Company (or whatever it is called). I could feel my mouth watering, and my heart racing, like in the vampire movies before the vampire feeds off the human. I might have even started sweating. It took everything in my power not to snatch that colossal M&M cookie from Leah, because it was so calling my name. Of course Devin had no mercy at all. He ate both of those macadamia nut cookies like it was his first time ever eating a cookie in his life. Then he had the nerve to brag about scarfing them down. Kids!!! What did I do I got home? Ate a bowl of cereal (tear).

If you are interested in purchasing stock, you might want to consider Silk Soy Milk, Kashi, and Fiber One. With all the cereal I have been eating, their stock should pretty much double. Cereal for breakfast, Fiber One stack bar for lunch, and a bowl of cereal for dinner. I have to get my sweet fix from somewhere (rolling my eyes). Last night I had cereal and green beans, delicious right? Ha! But I wanted something sweet to eat.

Oh and for those of you who are thinking that I eat a big bowl of cereal, um yeah NO! I eat a cup of cereal with a cup of milk. I have small bowl, and if my food cannot fit into that bowl then I can’t eat it. I am trying to practice moderation. Well at least at home I am trying to practice. It all starts at home.